7 Strategies for Finding Common Ground in a Combative World

When you look at the world around you, it may seem like many of your coworkers, friends and family members don’t share your political, cultural or social beliefs. It doesn’t take many heated arguments – either in person or through social media – before it feels like there’s no point in continuing some of your relationships.

Stepping away from an argument is easy to do when you are feuding with strangers on the Internet. You close the browser window and your life goes back to normal. But it’s not so easy when your disagreement is with a dear friend, family member or someone with whom you work closely. Shutting down those relationships may provide some immediate relief, but the decision can create a different type of stress in your life.

Let’s look at some strategies you can use to avoid losing valued relationships.

1. Look for areas where you agree. In most conflicts, there is likely some middle ground where views overlap. Don’t be afraid to suggest this during the argument. Finding an area of agreement may take some of the edge off the dispute, which may feel less intense.
2. Try to stay open-minded. If you are arguing with a friend or family member, it’s safe to assume this person is coming from a place of good intentions. So, keep the tone of your arguments friendly and don’t use polarizing words or personal attacks. It also helps to find those friendlier middle grounds when you are actually listening to the opposing arguments with a willingness to consider the other side.
3. Stay calm when temperatures rise. Remember that only you are in control of your emotions. If you find yourself getting overheated during an argument, don’t be afraid to call for a pause. Take a few minutes to collect your thoughts and decide how you want to phrase your responses. Step away and give yourself a moment to breathe, while reflecting on the importance of your relationship with this person. This can help reset the tension level.
4. In electronic communication, give yourself time to think before firing off an angry post, text or email. Arguing with someone online or through direct messages brings complications. It is far more difficult to interpret tone and meaning. And it’s possible that you may forget there is an actual person, whom you care about, on the receiving end of your comments. But there are also benefits to this type of communication, in that there is no demand that you respond immediately. Don’t let yourself fall into a flurry of texting or posting. Instead, take your fingers off the keyboard and spend some time considering your response. This little pause can give you the opportunity to offer a more thoughtful or measured reply that won’t threaten your relationship.
5. Accept that you won’t change everyone’s mind. If most people were honest with themselves, they would admit they don’t walk around expecting to have their minds changed. So, it’s sort of a silly endeavor to think you are doing to change someone else’s mind during a heated argument. Often, the exact opposite occurs, as people become more entrenched in their beliefs. Instead of trying to change someone’s mind, look at the discussion more as an opportunity to share viewpoints.
6. It’s OK to disagree with someone you care about. After you have shared your viewpoints, remember that both of you are entitled to your opinions. Those opinions are going to be influenced by your respective worldviews, cultures and personal histories. You can have these differences and still recognize the other person has just as much a right to a peaceful life, happiness and contentment as anybody.
7. Know when to end the conversation. Many of these conversations will not end with a resolution that makes both sides happy. Listen to your gut. Stop yourself before you send a text message or zinger that could damage the relationship. This is when it’s time to change the subject or suggest some other activity. Remind yourselves about the value of the relationship and agree that you don’t have to agree on this particular topic.

It may feel like the world is full of doom and gloom and that you are surrounded by conflicting opinions and viewpoints. But keep in mind that this isn’t the first time in our country’s history that there has been such strong disagreement over politics, culture or religion. This isn’t the first time that friends and families have found themselves so conflicted. We have gotten through it before and we will do it again. And thankfully, history usually brings us closer together after periods of turmoil.