Be Kinder to Yourself by Quieting Your Inner Critic

There’s nothing abnormal about evaluating yourself and asking if you could be doing something better. Maybe you didn’t put 100 percent of your effort into a recent work project. Perhaps you could have tried a little harder on the pickleball court. Or you could have been nicer to the waiter at dinner.

Everybody tends to doubt and critique themselves. It’s born out of our desire to be better people. And, sometimes, that can work in our favor.

But there can be a dark side to this self-criticism.

The Relentless Inner Critic

Trouble arises when that critical eye takes a hard turn, and you start judging every action in the worst light. If you aren’t careful, you can fall into a pattern where nothing is good enough and you’re constantly beating yourself up.

A relentless drumbeat of self-criticism can make it challenging to enjoy, or even engage in, day-to-day living. If you convince yourself that you have no social skills, you may start avoiding your friends. Or if you believe yourself to be an awful employee, you’ll stop seeking promotions. When you withdraw, you are less likely to thrive or feel a sense of momentum in your life.

The real danger is that your self-criticism becomes self-fulfilling, as your doubts eventually become true. This can lead to anxiety, depression and disordered thinking.

Breaking the Cycle

Quieting your inner critic requires you to break the pattern. It can be challenging to go against what your brain tells you, but here are some strategies to help:

Recognize it: The first thing you need to do is identity the moments when your criticism is over the top. An effective way to do this is by keeping a journal to document these episodes. Use a systematic approach – being as objective and honest as possible. Describe the event that caused your self-doubt. Explore how your thoughts and emotions unfolded. And finally, challenge your reaction to see if it was justified.

Journaling may also help you realize that you are particularly hard on yourself in certain areas of your life, whether it’s work, parenting, relationships, etc. It can be really useful to drill down into those situations and understand what's happening. By isolating these specific areas, it may be easier to modify your negative thoughts.

Listen to your support network: There’s a good chance your family and friends are aware of your tendency to beat yourself up. Look to them to boost your confidence and help you gain a different perspective. Their words of support can have a powerful impact on how you see yourself. You may initially be tempted to disregard praise from your parents or a partner, arguing something along these lines: "Of course they’re going to say something nice.” But remember that no one is obligated to acknowledge your successes or achievements. They do it because they want you to know how they see you.

Meditation: With meditation, you are attempting to gain more influence and control over your thoughts. You learn how to observe your thoughts, almost from a distance. Meditation can help you recognize that you don’t have to identify with every stray thought that pops into your head.

Thinking of meditation, you probably envision someone sitting in a yoga pose, breathing quietly and contemplating the universe. But there are many ways to accomplish this. You can meditate while you're walking, fishing or even while driving your car. It doesn't need to be done in a traditional way.

Find a gentler critic: Again, there’s nothing wrong with self-evaluation. It can serve as a healthy motivational tool. But just as you don’t need constant withering criticism, you also don’t need a voice that only see the positives. That’s not a realistic way to interact with a world that can be tough at times. Instead, your goal is to cultivate a neutral voice that’s more balanced. This will help with identifying ways you can improve, while also encouraging you rejoice in your successes.